On this Christmas morning, do you fret you didn’t choose quite the right present for a loved one? I constantly strive, yet wherever I look the suggestions flood in with impractical ideas. No, I don’t want a scented wax that smells like turkey, because we’ll be cooking the bird itself. I also don't need a sunrise alarm clock, since I can leave the curtains open achieves the same thing. I certainly do not desire a facial mask containing fish-derived collagen, because said DNA originates in fish semen. If I wanted fish sperm applied to my skin, I'd simply tickle some pollocks.
Seeking Ideas In the Animal Kingdom
So if you’re always looking for gift ideas, I recommend: learn from the animal kingdom. Humans didn’t invent gifting. The practice has existed for over a hundred million years, long before our species evolved. With a little help by evolution, wild animals have had wild animals ample time to master the art of giving. Heck, certain arachnids go so far as to wrap their offerings!
Leaving out fitness gear and other products I don’t like, there are five main types of Christmas gift: food, things for the home, jewelry, beauty products and clothing. Nature's creatures excels in every category.
Food Gifts: High-Protein Treats to Gourmet Skewers
Certain cuckoo species offer their mates high-protein snacks including insects, frogs and lizards. However, for those who like their meat skewered, then look to the great grey shrike, or the butcher bird. Males impale prey, such as bugs and rodents, on sharp thorns and twigs to create artisan kebabs.
Some insects present to their suitors salivary offerings, but these aren’t ordinary globs. These are the nuptial gifts of scorpionflies, created from only the finest saliva sourced from swollen salivary glands of the most genetically superior males. This offering is nutrient-dense, which is one reason females prefer males with big balls.
An additional factor involves the fittest males make the biggest spitballs. When I say “fit” I am not referring to physical appearance, though that may be true. I mean genetic fitness.
These presents are offered as a prelude to sex, thus, by selecting the male with the biggest package, the female is selecting genetic quality. She then consumes the gift while mating but ends intercourse as soon as it’s all gone. Bigger spitballs mean extended mating sessions, where the male transfers more sperm and the female is unable to mate with anyone else. This explains why he bothers with such an elaborate offering.
Nest-Building and Bling
These Antarctic penguins do not offer food, but they do give things for the home. In Antarctica, where they live, one cannot find home improvement store, so the penguins must gather their offerings from the local landscape. Every mating season, the males gather pebbles to begin constructing a nest. The vital building blocks are rare, prompting some opportunists to pilfer stones from nearby nests. But when a male presents a stone to a female, it signals his readiness for commitment. Consider it the avian version of an engagement ring. The stone doesn’t go on her finger, however. If she also wants to get serious, she accepts the gift and places it into the nest. Subsequently, after a few final adjustments, they are ready to start their family.
Regarding bling, crows excel in this department. Numerous accounts exist of individuals who made friends with wild corvids and later received metal caps, screws, buttons and various glittering objects. In one notable case, two people in Florida were once given a diamond bracelet from a crow they often fed. This is particularly endearing because while most animals give presents hoping for mating opportunities, crows apparently just enjoy giving.
The Pinnacle of Multipurpose Present: Sponges
In Western Australia, researchers have observed dolphins plucking clumps of sea sponge from the ocean floor and utilizing them in interesting ways. Sometimes, while foraging for food, they wear the sponges on their beak to help protect their sensitive snouts. And sometimes, when male dolphins wish to court females, they don them as playful headwear before presenting them as presents.
In so doing, dolphins ingeniously merge the last two categories of Christmas gift. Sea sponges serve as attire and skincare. And if that’s not enough, when males give their sponge gifts, they often strike a curved “banana pose” and play a little tune through their blowhole.
This stands in contrast to the half-arsed giving from pets – like a cat leaving a dead mouse in an obscure corner – or certain individuals. Dolphin gifts are thoughtful, serve multiple uses, ethically gathered and presented with flair. There is a lesson for all of us. A famous singer claims that all she wants during the holidays “is you”, however, my one Christmas wish, is to be given a sponge-based headwear and skin guard from a cetacean that serenades me with style.
